Funny Text Jokes

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 1
Pasyente: Dok, ninenerbyos po ako. First operation ko po kasi 'to.
Dok: Alam ko nararamdaman mo kasi ikaw din ang una kong pasyente.

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 2
Tanga 1: Ang tanga talaga ng kapit-bahay ko.
Tanga 2: Bakit pare?
Tanga 1: Ang pagkakaintindi niya sa lawsuit eh uniporme ng pulis!
Tanga 2: Ang tanga naman niya. Di ba uniporme ng abogado yun?!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 3
Lagi mong tandaan na ang tubig gaano man kalalim, gaano man kababawa, mananatili itong hanggang dibdib ng duck!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 4
I looked at the sky,
The sky was beautiful,
I looked at you,
I looked at the sky na lang ulit.

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 5
You know what?
"You are so CUTE"
Your smile,
You voice,
Your eyes...
"Grabe, nakaka-in love ka!"

O huwag dibdibin ha? Sa akin pinadala yan! Pinabasa ko lang sa'yo...

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 6
Paalaala ng guro

Si Rizal ang ating pambansang bayani ay may dalwang nickname "ute at pepe" para di nyo makalimutan tandaan nyo lang palagi ang "ute n pepe".

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 7
Nobody knows, I'm glad to meet you.
Sa tagalog?
Walang katawan ilong, masaya kong karne ka.

O, walang ulitan ng basa... =))

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 8
Aanhin pa ang pangalan ko...
Kung ang tawag sa'kin ay CUTE?

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 9
Ano ang tawag sa saging na nasa stick?
Banana-Q

Bituka na nasa stick?
Isaw

Karne na nasa stick?
BBQ

Eh kabayo0 na nasa stick?
Aber! Aber! Alam mo 'to?
CAROUSEL!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 10
EXPAND your Pinoy style vocabulary.
CONTEMPLATE, kulang ang plato...
PUNCTUATION, pera para pang-enroll...
ICE BUKO, ayos na buhok ko?
CALCULATOR, tawagan kita mamaya...
TENACIOUS, sapatos na pang-tennis...
DEVASTATION, yung station ng bus...
DEDICATE, patay ang pusa...
ASPECT, pantusok ng yelo...
DEDUCT, ang pato...
PERSUADING, unang kasal...
DEPRESS, nagkasal sa persuading...
CITY, numero bago mag otso.
STATUE, ikaw ba yan...
Ang galing noh?!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 11
Astig ito...
Bakit ang MAGANDA at GWAPO kung magtext medyo bitin?
Tapos kung...

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 12
BF: Babe, sinapak ko yung nakasalubong ko kanina! Bad trip, sabihin ba naman na mukha akong magsasaka kapag katabi kita!
GF: Sinabi niya yun? hihi... (Blush) Huwag ka na magalit babes, marangal naman ang magsasaka. Bakit ba niya yun sinabi?
BF: Kasi mukha ka daw kalabaw!
GF: Nasaan na yung putang inang yan?! Nasaan?! Potah!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 13
Always remember, when HE cancels a date, he HAS TO...
But, when SHE cancels a date. She HAS TWO...

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 14
"Kapag nakipagpatintero ka, siguraduhin mong hindi lamok ang kalaban mo. Lalo na kung marami sila."

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 15
When your lips are silent,
And your eyes are closed,
And your ears are deaf,
It only means one thing,
May discount ka sa jeep.
Disabled ka friend!!! Yabang, may discount siya!
Pa-burger ka naman! Burger! Burger! Burger! Hehehe...

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 16
It's better to cross the line and suffer the consequences than to just stare at the line for the rest of your life.
~ Rules lang yan sa patintero, huwag kang mag-emote diyan!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 17
TOTOY: Nay! Tinawag ako ni titser Codename Asero.
NANAY: Siguro matapang ka sa school anak, kaya Codename Asero ka.
TOTOY: Hindi po nay. Tuwing test kasi lagi ako SERO!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 18
Jinky: Manny, kung magkakaanak tayo ulit. Ano gusto mo name sa baby natin?
Manny: Mmm... Eh di pagsamahin na lang natin name natin di ba? "Manky!"

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 19
"Hindi lahat ng gwapo sa picture, eh gwapo talaga.
Meron mga photogenic lang talaga.
At karamihan eh dinadaan sa powder, lighting, angle at Adobe Photoshop."

"Huwag nang choosy. Lalo na kung wala ka naman masyadong choices. Arte ka pa?"

"Madalas ang wrong sent ay hindi naman talaga wrong sent, at ang blank text at di napindot lang. Ganyan magpapansin ang ayaw mag-first move."

"Hindi porke't madalas mo maka-chat, kausap sa telepono, kasama sa lakad, o katext ng want-to-sawa eh may gusto sa'yo at magkakatuluyan kayo. Meron lang talagang mga tao na sadyang friendly, sweet, flirt, malandi, pa-fall o paasa."

Words of Wisdom from Becky Ong (Bading na brother ni Bob Ong)

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 20
Sa palengke:
Tindera: Ilang tali ng sitaw?
Jose: 3x-5 when x=6
Tindera: So 13, bare mura lang. 5sin90 ang isa...
Jose: Pakiconvert nga po using arc tangent.
Tindera: Hindi ko carry, tangent na lang. 5tan45 - kung gusto mo, mag-apply ka ng reduction formula.
Jose: Ok na po, eto bayad (x?2-4x+3)/sin3x where x=7, keep the change!
Kung ganito ka useful ang Math sa buhay natin. Ipapasara ko lahat ng palengke...
Suntukan na lang! hehe...

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 21
"Hindi lahat ng maasim may Vitamin C."
~ Kili-kili

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 22
Ang alamat ng BATANG MAKULIT

Bata: Pabili po.
Tindera: Ano yun?
Bata: May scotchtape po kayong tag-pipiso?
Tindera: Meron.
Bata: Magkano po?

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 23
Pedro bumps to a foreigner:
P: Ay sorry...
F: I'm sorry 2
P: Sorry 3.
F: What are you sorry 4?
P: Akala mo bobo ako! Sorry 5!
F: I think your sick!
P: Haha! Sick daw... Six, bobo!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 24
Tuwing may problema ka, andito lang ako!
Hindi man makapgbigay ng magandang payo, basta andito lang ako tabi lang sa'yo.
Kasi alam kong mas nakakagaan kung may MAGANDA sa tabi mo! hehe...

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 25
My family and I went to the beach.
As we arrived, I noticed an old woman sitting at the shore.

Hours went by, it's already midnight. The old woman still sitting there.
I approached her and said, "Nay, sino po kasama niyo?"

"Mga anak ko apo, pero punta lang daw sila sa trabaho. Tapos balikan ako pag-uwi."
"Maghahating-gabi a po nay, sigurado po kayo babalik sila?"
"Oo apo. Hindi nila ako pababayaan. May iniwan sulat sa'kin pero hindi ko mabasa."

My tears fell as I read the letter:
"Kung sino man ang makakita sa matandang ito, dalhin niyo na lang sa home for the aged."
Lola: Bakit ka umiiyak apo? Huwag ka nang umiyak...

Nasa YARI KA, ayun ang kamera, kaway ka! Kaway! Dali...

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 26
"Bakit ka malulungkot kung SINGLE ka?

Eh kung marami namang TAKEN na gusto ka."

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 27
Alak...



...



...to muvet muvet!
Alak to muvet muvet!
Alak to muvet muvet!
Alak to! Muvet!!!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 28
Rich kid: Sometimes if you work hard enough, you can get what you want.
But most times, what you want and what you get are two different things.
Sometimes, God breaks our spirit to save our soul.
Somtimes, He breaks our heart to make us whole.
Although we can't have everything we want, we can want everything we have.

Poor kid: Fuck you! Ang damot mo! Pahiram lang ng PSP eh! Ang dami mo pa sinasabi...
Sa'yo naman yan! Lagi mo naman magagamit yan! Leche!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 29
"Kailangan ni Son Gokou ng tulong para matalo si Majin Boo!"
Send this as many as you cam para matulungan natin si Gokou!?!

Huwag kang tumawa.
Para ito sa kaligtasan ng planet earth!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 30
Sa tuwing pinagmamasdan ko ang bawat pagsikat ng araw.
Nasisilaw ako!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 31
Erni: Ang galing ng aso ko! Tuwing umaga dala niya ang dyaryo sa'kin.
Bert: Alam ko.
Erni: Ha? Paano mo nalaman?
Bert: Kinuwento sa'kin ng aso ko.

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 32
In a classy bar:

GERMAN: Waiter, Remy Martin, single!!
FRENCH: Waiter, Carlo Rossi, double!!
PINOY: (Magpapakilala pa pala before mag-order) Waiter, Pedring Mananggiti, byudo!!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 33

pg importante skn ang 1 tao
pnapahalagan ko
pg mhal ko ang 1sang tao
inaalagaan ko
pg miz ko ang 1ng tao
tnetxt ko
kya kng nreceiv mo e2 ibg
sbhin miz kta!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 34
sana,
d n lng kta nkila2
hapin nman ako nung wla k pa,
kc ngaun,
pg d k ngttxt, bat d ako msaya.
kainiz k nman eh'
ano bang meron ka at na mi mis kta.

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 35

ur ex-love gave his weddng invitation
2 u personally. wen sudenly a tear rolldown
from ur eyes..

He wipe it imediately & said


"tau dpat 2 dba? kso sumuko ka..":-(

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 36
Amo Hoy inday! Bakit sunog ang sinaing?
Inday: Heavy fire that was exerted the stimulus effect of the best conductor of heat which is steel, causing the "oriza stiva" which is the scientific of rice to change it state of color, smell as well as the taste.
Amo: In other words, you didn't apply your knowledge about heat conductors and left the oriza sativa to burn! Akala mo nosebleed ako noh? Iba na ko! Nag-stustudy na ko. Bring it on bitch! hahaha...

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 37
Isa na namang banat:
"Magic lamp ka ba? Pahipo naman..."

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 38
Isang umaga,

Spoiled Bratt: Yaya o, (May dugo sa daliri)...
Yaya: Ay, wawa naman baby ko! Halika, sipsipin ko ang dugo. (Sinipsip ang dugo). Saan ka ba nasugutan?
Spoiled Bratt: Wala, sino ba nagsabing nasugatan ako? Tinitiris ko garapata ni Bantay! Yuck, sinipsip yung garapata. Yaya, you're such a loser!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 39
Girl: Tikman mo itong cake, masarap! Gawa ng nanay ko.
Boy: Ikaw na lang titikman ko! Total gawa ka rin naman ng nanay mo eh!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 40
If STUDY = NO FAIL
NO STUDY = FAIL
Then,

STUDY + NO STUDY + NO FAIL

By factoring:
Study(1+NO)=FAIL(1+NO)
Divide both sides by (1+NO)
STUDY = FAIL

Ano, mag-aaral ka pa?
Hahaha. Hindi na...

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 41
Anong tawag sa maraming butas?
Eh di... BUTASES!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 42
Exercise daily to keep your body healthy.
Like my LOLA, she was 75 when she started biking 5 kilometers a day.
Now she's 98, and until now.
Hindi pa umuuwi... Wala ba diyan?

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 43
I'm single...
And you're welcome to change that.

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 44
"Oo, masustansya nga ang gulay pero masarap ba? At kung kakain ka ng halaman, eh di sana naging kabayo ka na lang."
- Bob Ong

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 45
Ang life natin "GANYAN TALAGA",
Umiiyak tayo, "GANYAN TALAGA".
Nagmamahal tayo, "GANYAN TALAGA".
Nasasaktan tayo, "GANYAN TALAGA".
Cute daw ako?
Ehem!!!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 46
A father was trying to teach his son about the evils of alcohol.
He placed one worm in a glass of water and another, in a glass of whiskey.
The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.

Father: Alright son, what have you learned from the show?
Son: Well dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol hindi ka magkakabulate.

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 47
Sumulat si malaki sa kanyang tatay:

Dear tatay,
Padalhan mo kami ng isang kilong bigas at isang dosenang itlog.

Ang inyong anak,
Malaki...

Si malaki lumabas, pumasok si maliit.
Napunit ni maliit ang sulat, dinikitan ng tape.
Inutusan ni malaki si maliit na imail ang sulat.

Pagbasa ng kanilang tatay:

Dear bigas,
Padalhan mo kami ng isang kilong tatay at isang dosenang anak.

Ang iyong itlog,
Malaki...

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 48
Havaianas talking to other slippers:
"We are the best slippers! We are superior than anything else!"


Rambo:
"Ulol, tumbang preso tayo! Laspag ka sa'kin!" (~.^)

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 49
They say virginity is the greatest gift a girl can give her husband.
But only ignorants believe in that.
Because the greatest gift a girl can give is her LOVE, NOT her BODY!

~ Palusot ng mga hindi na virgin. hahaha!!!


Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 50
Teacher: Juan, give me a color that starts with letter "M" except maroon.
Juan: Hmmmmm... Maitim! Madilaw! Mamink-mink! Mukhang berde! Medyo asul!
Teacher: Gago!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 51
Kung kasalanan maging HOT.
Ar kung kasalanan maging YUMMY.
Eh di...
I'm SORRY. hehe.

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 52
"Happiness is not found at the end of the road. It is experienced everytime you make a sudden turn."
- SOGO (Cubao Branch; Php395.00 / three hours)

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 53
Can't hurt the heart that didn't hurt your heart.
Rather hurt the heart that hurt your heart.
But how can you hurt the heart that hurt your heart.
If she sells seashells by the seashore?

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 54
How do you feel when people tell you, "Hulog ka ng langit?".
The bible says only one angel fell down from heaven.
And that's Lucifer.
Think about it.

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 55
Dislove,islove,dlove,bestlove,
waylove, 2love,saylove,datlove,
ilove,rilylove,mislove,ulove,solove,
muchlove, ngaun bsahin mo ulit ng d ksama ang love!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 56
A bored sadist, zoophile, murderer, necrophile, pyromaniac and masochist in a psychiatric ward:

SADIST: Hey, why don't we torture a cat?
ZOOPHILE: Yeah, we'll torture a cat and then fuck it!
MURDERER: We'll torture it, fuck it and then kill it...
NECROPHILE: We'll torture it, fuck it, kill it and fuck it again!
PYROMANIAC: Yeah, then we'll burn the cat!

(Sudden silence...)

Then all asked masochist, "Why don't you say anything?"

MASOCHIST: Meow!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 57
Girl: Excuse me! Bakit ang tabang ng kape niyo?
Boy: Ah, matabang po ba? Akala ko kasi sapat na ang matatamis mong labi para diyan.

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 58
So inspiring:
"Kung maghihintay ka lang ng lalandi sa'yo, walang mangyayari sa buhay mo... Dapat, lumandi ka din."

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 59
"Go for someone who is not only proud to have you but will also take every risk just for an hour with you."

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 60
When a pretty woman passes, nine out of ten men imagine somethin. The wise one is doin something.

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 61
A girl phoned me the other day and said..."Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 62

Birdy birdy in the sky, left a poopie in my eye. Me don't care, me don't cry, me just happy that cows can't fly!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 63
It's important to find a man who has money, a man who adores you,a man who is great in the sack. It's also imprtant that these 3 men should never meet!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 64
sbi nla,
pg nadapa ka bumangon ka..
sbi ko nman paano kng ndapa ka..
sa ibabaw ng hubad na ktawan ng taong
kinababaliwan mo?

cge nga!..babangon ka pba??

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 65
Malupit man ang buhay, malungkot man ang buhay.
Malungkot man iyong puso.
May luha man sa'yong mga mata.
Palagi mong tatandaan ang tatlong bagay:
1. Cute ka!
2. Lalo ako.
3. Sila hindi!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 66
Pare 1: Pare, parang "I LOVE YOU".
Pare 2: Stop it pare, just prove it!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 67
If you see a good looking guy na magaling pumorma at maarte sa katawan,
METROSEXUAL yan...
Isang metro na lang...
BAKLA na!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 68
I admit,
I'm the one who loosen the rope to set you free.
Now, I want you vack.
I tried to pull the rope,
But you don't even want me to touch it.
I know it was my fault but would you please lower your pride?
I really want you back.
- Inday, nag-emote kasi nakawala ang aso sa tali...

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 69
May load ka pa ba?
Kasi nadoble bili ko ng Globe Php500.
Gusto mo?
Kahit utang muna.
Bigay mo na lang kahit kailan kapag may pera ka na.
Eto yung PIN #:

||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||

Kiskisin mo na lang...

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 70
Jeep pinara ng pulis...
Driver: Bakit boss? Ano po ba ang violation ko?
PuliS: Wala!
Driver: Gago ka noh! Eh bakit mo ko pinahinto?
Pulis: Gago ka rin! Sasakay kaya ako!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 71
Gay friends' conversation:

Bogs: Ano kaya kung naging ice cream tayo?
Jigs: Ay day! Ice cream ako ng McDo noh!
Bogs: Chikadora! Bakit naman?
Jigs: Coz I'm simply "McFlirty"!
Bogs: Ay taray! Echusera! Pero hindi naman atashi papatalo noh, I'm Jollibee's best sundae!
Jigs: Ay chusi! Kemedora ka! Bakit naman ate?
Bogs: Sish! Ako ang nag-iisang... Swirlybitch!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 72
Nurse: Nasa isip mo ba pamilya mo?
Baliw: Oo naman! Siyempre!
Nurse: (Natuwa) Nasaan ba ang pamilya mo?
Baliw: Nasa isip ko nga eh! Tanga ka ba?!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 73
Loko ka pala ee, alangan naman na ako ang iiwas sa'yo para hindi ka mahulog sa'kin.
Hindi ko naman ginusto yun ah!!!
Dahil mapapahiya ka lang, don't worry hindi ko ipagsasabi na na-fall ka sa'kin.

- Kanal

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 74
Ang pangit bihira magparamdam.
Hindi nangangamusta...
Hindi nagmi-miss call
At higit sa lahat, hindi nagtetext.
Ikaw, pangit ka ba?
Magkakaalaman na! Basta ako, cute!
Hehehe..

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 75
Babae: Anong tinitingin-tingin mo diyan ha?!
Lalaki: Sorry miss, akala ko kasi maganda ka. Hindi pala...
- Lesson: Huwag mataray kung hindi naman kagandahan!!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 76
Priest: Ang mga baklay' walang lugar sa kaharian ng LANGIT!
Gays: Carry lang father!! Dun na lang kami sa RAINBOW! Magsaslide slide ever!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 77
Ang mataba, pumapayat!
Ang pangit, kawawa naman!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 78
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive lady waving at him.
"Do you know me?", he asked...
"I think your the father of one of my kids.", she replied...
His mind travles back to the only time he has ever beenunfaithful to his wife.
"My God! Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that i made love on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 79
Wife: Hon, Kain na! I'm ready!!
Husband: Busog pa ko.
Wife: Hindi food ang ibig ko sabihin, ako kainin mo...
Husband: Kaya nga, busog pa ko, birthday ng secretary ko, nagpakain din!!!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 80
Mommy, do ANGELS fly?
Yes son, they do fly.
Eh bakit si yaya tawag ni dad "MY ANGEL" di naman siya nafly?
Son, ngayon din you will see yaya fly!
Wait lang anak!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 81
This poem was nominated for the best poem of 2005, written by an African kid.
"When I born, I black. When I grow up, I black. When I go in the sun, I black. When I scared, I black. When I sick, I black. And when I die, I still black. And you white fella. When you born, you pink. When you grow up, you white. When you go in the sun, you red. When you cold, you blue. When you scared, you yellow. When you sick, you green. And when you die, you gray. And you calling me colored?"

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 82
Pinaka-common mistake ng isang girl during a job interview ang pagsagot ng...
"KAHIT ANONG POSISYON PO SIR, BASTA MAKAPASOK LANG."


Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 83
Were in Mactan right now. pollution here is so bad that when weordered freshly-caught tunaat the seaside resto they asked if we wanted reular or unleaded.

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 84
A baby was yelling loudly at Mass so Mommy got up to take him out.
The priest protested “Lady, that baby’s not bothering me!” She shouted back,
“You’re bothering him!”

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 85
Masarap magluto ang lover ko
Binigyan niya ang tira sa aso
Tapos binigay ng aso ang tira sa pusa.
Tapos binigay ng pusa ang tira sa daga.
Tapos namatay ang daga.
Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 86
Pinapana ang mga CUTE…kaya mag tago ka na! AKO
magtata…aagh…ARAAAAAY! Sampu agad tama ko!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 87
TEXTER OFFICIAL SOUND TRACK: So text me & smile for me,
text me that you’ll wait for me, text me that you’ll never let
me go, so text me on the jet plane oh! Ba’t kumakanta ka na?

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 88
Go on with your life, dont look at the past with anger, dont look
at the future with fear. But look at the present with awareness that
we are cute! kala mo deep thought noh!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 89
Anak: Tay, tumambling ako kanina sa school.
Tatay: Anak, di ba sabi ko sa'yo huwag kang tatumbling at baka makita panty mo.
Anak: Weeeee... Tay, di nila nakita.
Tatay: Bakit? Paano?
Anak: Kasi tay tinago ko sa bag ko! >.<

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 90
GLOBE TELECOM ADVISORY: Your cell was illegally
acquired. We will deactivate your illegal cell from our network
effective today. For more info dial your nose.

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 91
"All the best are taken."

Isang napakalaking kasinungalingan!
Dahil ako ay single!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 92
A Chinese lady can’t speak English.
At the grocery, she wanted to buy pork leg.
She showed her legs.
Next day, she needed chicken breast.
She showed her breast.
Third day, she brought along her husband because she wanted sausage.
What did she do?
Ikaw ha, iba iniisip mo..
Her husband can speak English! Wahahaha

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 93
Spell cute…C-U-T-E…
What if i remove the letter “U?” Di pwede—how can i spell
cute without you?
Uuuy! TUWA SYA!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 94
What if you see your ex with somebody new and they were so happy and sweet dating at a fastfood chain?
Relax.
Approach them and say..
Wow, kayo na..
Pacheeseburger ka naman.. burger! Burger! Burger!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 95
“I may be a star now.
Famous.
Hard-to-get.
Delicious.
But the truth is,
I’m simple
And sometimes,
It pains me to see people struggling
To get a little of me.” –NFA rice

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 96
Anak: Nanay, mahalaga pala ang punctutation marks.
Ina: Aba syempre, aber, bakit?
Anak: Kasi si ate naka miss daw ng periods ay panay na ang iyak.

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 97
Why do dwarfs laugh while running through the forest?
Because the grass tickles their balls..... hahaha

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 98
Symptoms of ULTRA kuripotism
1. Ayaw mag text dahil sayang ang piso.
2. Ayaw sumagot sa text dahil sayang ang piso.
3. tagal sumagot dahil isip pa kung sayang ang piso.

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 99
I sent an angel to watch you over kanina.
He/She returned to me and said:
“GRABE ANG CUTE NIYA!”
Binatukan ko nga,
Kasi sabi ko ikaw ang bantayan,
Hindi kung sinu-sino!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 100
Si Juan, umuwi ng lasing.
Nadulas, nasugatan ang mukha.
GInamot niya..
Kinaumagahan...
Nay: Lasing ka kagabi nu?
Juan: Hindi ah!
Nay: Hindi? Eh bakit may band-aid yung salamin?!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 101
Why is it difficult for boys to find the girl of their dreams?
Kasi madalas..
Nasa bahay lang ako...
-Amie

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 102
"Ang hindi marunong tuwing exam. Singko na, malamang!"

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 103
Last night,
As I laid down on my bed.
I looked up and gazed upon the stars in the sky.
Then I thought to myself.
"Tang ina! Nasaan bubong ko?!"

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 104
What i like about you is your killer smile, gorgeous eyes, your
cute..Ay teka WRONG MESSAGE, di pala para sayo! HELLO
lang pala sasabihin ko!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 105
MAYOR: Ano mang problema dito sa putang inang bayan, bibigyan ko ng solusyon!
MAMAMAYAN: Mayor, ang mga classrooms tumutulo kapag umuulan.
MAYOR: Ipapagawa ko ang mga putang inang paaralan, pati ang mga putang inang klinika at ang mga putang inang baku-bakong kalsada.
MAMAMAYAN: Mabuhay si mayor! Iboto natin ang putang inang iyan! =p

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 106
Lumapit si baby centipede kay daddy centipede at may binulong...
Hinimatay si daddy.
Anong binulong ni baby?
"Dad, bili mo ko ng slippers... Havaianas!"

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 107
Huwag mong isiping pangit ako.
Hindi mo kaya.
Mapapagod ka lang...

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 108
Bata: Ate kapag wala ka bang tenga maghihikaw ka?
Ate: Siyempre hindi.
Bata: Eh kapaag wala kang daliri mag-sising-sing ka ba?
Ate: hindi..
Bata: Eh bakit ka nagba-bra?

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 109
Kids nowadays,
Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile'?
Glenn: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
Teacher: No, that's wrong.
Glenn: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
Bata pa lang may logic na.


Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 110
Ngayong maulan at maraming dumadaan na bagyo,
Kailangan tayong mag-ingat at maghanda.
Kaya ako...
Pinatiklop ko na ang mga billboards ko.
Ikaw?

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 111
Kon da koto ngi
Yina
Neki tana i Yina
An na yune kon
Na yume
I pa yi adu kedo
nin namin na
min nuna
kanda e teku
Teur
Kushi ngi na po
Kede kana
E teku teru
So la wuji yuni
Tobi ta yina
Hai! Kakekuta!
Ang ang ang.. Ho
Temi nayi zuki
Dora-e-ma-mu...

- Doraemon Song yan.
Hahaha! Uulitin niya yan oh.

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 112
Q: Anong sinabi ng ipis sa taong nanghampas ng tisnelas sa kanya?
A: Wooowww!! Kung makahampas ka akala mo close tayo ah.

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 113
I’m in jail right now!
Hinuli ako ng isang roving patrol kanina sa may park. Anong
violation? Public display of SEX APPEAL! Grabe noh?

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 114
PARANG SIRA ANG CELL KO.
Pag press ng “Menu” ganitong lumalabas!
MENU
Tapsi……….P4
Tocino………3
Kanin……….1

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 115
JUAN: Aray! Bakit mo ko sinuntok?
PEDRO: Tinawag mo kong hippopotamus eh!
JUAN: Last year pa yun ah?
PEDRO: Ngayon ko lang nalaman itsura nun eh!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 116
Minsan naligaw ako and hindi ko alam ang daan pauwi.
Ayun, nagkaroon ng "Search For Binibing Pilipinas!" Hehehe...

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 117
PAMATAY NA PICK-UP LINES:
Geometry ba favorite subject mo? Kasi kahit anong angle ang cute mo.
Alam mo ba scientist ako? Kasi ikaw ang LAB ko!
Ano height mo, paano ka nagkasya sa puso ko?
Ang galing mo siguro sa puzzles. Kasi umaga palang nabuo mo na araw ko.
Di tayo tao, di tayo hayop... BAGAY TAYO!!!
Bangin ka ba? Nahulog kasi ako sa'yo.
I'm a bee, can you be my honey?
May license ka ba? Coz your driving me crazy!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 118
Because we want to become great, He became
small. Because we will not stoop, he humbled
himself. Because we want to rule,he came to serve.
Wow, what a servants heart.

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 119
"Godbless you" is such a little prayer, but it means so much
may hsi angels guard you, his sundhine light your way
and his grace in u always.

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 120
How to spot a texter:
1-may muscle ang hinlalaki.
2-BAROK mag salita.
3-Bobo ang spelling
4-may bangga ang auto
5-laging nakayuko
6-nakatawa kahit nag-iisa
KAW BA YUN?

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 121
Do you take me to be your lawful,
Lovable text mate, to have and to hold,
For corny jokes, in text metering and in poor signal,
Till low batt do us part?

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 122
I may not be your PEPSI,
Choice of the new generation;
I may not be your COKE,
Only the real thing; or your NIDO,
World’s no. 1 but I can be your REXONA
I wont let you down!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 123
Alex: Pautang nga ng isang daang piso. Pero singkwenta lang muna ang ibigay mo sa akin.
Edgar: Bakit?
Alex: Eh, di may utang kang singkwenta sa akin. Tapos, may utang akong singkwenta sa iyo. Amanos na tayo. :p

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 124
MOMMY CENTIPEDE: Hoy, makupad! Kanina pa kita inuutusang bumili ng suka hindi ka pa rin nakakaalis?!
BABY CENTIPEDE: Haller?! Mom! Nag-tsitsinelas pa kaya ako? Huwag kang excited!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 125
Erap ang Jinggoy nasa kotse.
Jinggoy: Dad, labas ka nga at tignan mo yung foglights kung gumagana.
Erap: Gumagana anak.
Jinggoy: Tignan mo naman yung hazard kung gumagana.
Erap: Gumagana, ay hindi, ay gumagana, ay hindi, ay gumagana.

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 126
Bakit kapag nalaglag ang tinidor, may lalaki raw na darating,
Kapag kutsara ay babae?


SAGOT:
Kasi ang lalaki, nanunusok.
Ang babae, sumusubo...
Ang sasagwang paniniwala!


Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 127
I am a virus and I'm entering your brain now.



Processing...



Tut... tut...


Mission Failed!



No brain found!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 128
Totoy: Inay ano sa ingles ang "maswerte kang lalaki"?
Nanay: LUCKY ME WITH EGG
Totoy: Eh yung matatandang babae na kuripot?
Nanay: PAYLESS INSTANT MOMMY


Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 129
May tatlong lalaki sa kanilang tribo.

Lider: Magdala kayo ng 10 prutas na magkakapareho.
Unang dumating si juan na may dalang santol.
Lider: Ipasok sa kanilang pwet at kung sinong umaray o tumawa patayin.
Unang santol pa lang umaray na si Juan, patay!
Sumunod si Pedro na may dalang 10 ubas.
Kung kailan pang-sampu na tsaka pa tumawa.
Patay!
Nagkita si Juan and Pedro sa langit.
Juan: Ligtas ka na sana, bakit ka pa tumawa?
Pedro: Kasi nakita ko si Berto may dalang sampung pakwan.

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 130
At a private school classroom:
Guro: Class, gusto malaman ang inyong pangarap.
Norman: Mam, ako po pangarap ko po maging pulis.
Guro: Good.
Keno: Mam, ako naman po pangarap maging scientist.
Guro: Good, good.
Joshua: Ako mam, pangarap ko pong kumita ng 1 million araw-araw tulad ng tatay ko.
Guro: Ano?! Ganun kalaki kinikita ng tatay mo araw-araw?!
Joshua: Hindi po. Pangarap rin po niyo iyon...

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 131
Hindi ka ba makatulog kapag umiinom ka ng kape?
Baliktad pala tayo..
Ako naman, hindi makainom ng kape kapag natutulog.

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 132
Maraming nagsasabi, makulit daw ako.
Totoo ba na makulit ako?
Ha? Totoo ba?
Ano? Totoo ba?
Ha?
Totoo?
Ano?
Totoo?
Huuuy!
Ano?
Makulit ba ako?

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 133
Nag-eexam ang batang bobo.
Wala siyang maisagot kahit A & B lang ang choices, naisipang mag-toss coin.
Naingayan ang teacher...
Teacher: Hey, what are you doing?
Bobo: Mam, wala po akong masagot. Kaya nanghuhula ako via toss coin.
Teacher: Ok! Pagkatapos mo, ihinto mo yan kasi maingay.
After 5 minutes huminto ang ingay, pero after five minutes nagflip ulit ng barya.
Teacher: O bakit nag-iingay ka ulit, di ba tapos ka na?
Bobo: Hindi po kasi ako sure sa answer ko, dinodouble check ko lang po!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 134
During CREMATION:
All the relatives stood in silence.
Everybody was silent 'til a child suddenly asked out of curiosity.
"Ma, hindi pa ba luto?"

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 135
Sa swimming pool;
Boy: Waaahhh! Tulong! Tulong! Hindi ako marunong lumangoy!!!
Lifeguard: Eh ano naman?! Ako nga hindi marunong mag-violin, pinagsisigawan ko ba?

Duh?!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 136
Lolo: Nung araw sa SM kapag may P20.00 ako nakakakuha na ako ng polo, maong, t-shirt, brief, panyo, medyas at sinturon.
Apo: Eh ngayon Lo?
Lolo: Mahirap na, may surveillance camera na kasi!

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 137
Hope you have wonderful dreams last night, offcourse you have, coz I know there’s an angel in your dream.
A cute, then I dream also that kind..
sabi ng cute angel.. cute ka matulog tulo laway mo

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 138
After lovemaking,
BF noticed a picture of a man on the beside the table.
BF: Your ex?
GF: No.
BF: Your brother?
GF: No.
BF: Your dad?
GF: No.
GF: That's me before the surgery, gwapo noh?

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 139
Las Vegas

Want to know about Las Vegas?
What is Las Vegas?
Las Vegas is actually...
"Huling saing."
Bukas wala na isasaing.

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 140
College dictionary:
Absent - Protest to a lousy teacher.
Allowance - Force that motivates to go to school.
Ballpen - Bestseller of the bookstore
Bonus - The key to pass the exam.
ID - Alternative ruler to draw a straight line.
Late - Happens when the teacher arrives earlier than expected.
Studying - Causes sleepiness faster than a sleeping peel.
Uniform - Were you wipe your wet hands after going to the CR.
Clinic - Home of best actors and actresses.
Eraser - Throwable weapon of an angry teacher.
Tomorrow - Deadline.

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 141
(Sa Math class)
Titser: Juan, kung ako'y may 5 anak sa unang at 5 ulit sa pangalawa, samakatuwid meron akong?
Juan: Taglay na kalandian mam...

Funny/Jokes Text Quotes 142
Amiga lasing, pauwi najerbs sila at sa simenteryo inabutan.
Ang isa, ginamit ang panty pamunas saka tinapon.
Yung isa, nakakakita ng wreath sa puno at ginawang pamunas.
Kinabukasan, sabi ng mga asawa nila:
Juan: Pre bantayan natin mga misis natin. Misis ko umuwi kagabi walang panty.
Nick: Mas grabe misis ko! Meron card na nakadikit sa pwet, may nakasulat. "We'll never forget you. From all the Guys of the Sales Department."